since junhern is too lazy to post on blog yet too free to send it to everyone on dhs mail.
also since i don't have the time or creativity to type out my own posts.
and also since this might help to push down the stupid stat counter for eoys.

enjoy:D




How to administer CPR (Crappy, Pointless Resuscitation)

Stuff you need: Yourself, street, person, other person, large baseball bat, giant potato, phone (preferably bananaphone), police, DEA (Deadly Extremist Assasin), grenade that takes 2 hours to explode, syringe, cola, steel cell, ground, shovel, tombstone, marker, house

Procedure:

Get some random person from the street, preferably a dirty street or a pavement next to a road.

Whack the person on the head with the large baseball bat. If the person says ‘OW’ and the like, whack the person on the head with a giant potato. Shout ‘I HAMTAM YOU!!! FAINT NOW!!!!!’ if desired. If the person has not lost consciousness, continue whacking until the person has.

Scream ‘SIR SIR ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!’ and the person should not respond. Be sure to lug the casualty onto the road, but make sure that you will remain on the pavement while you attempt to save him. Now, shout ‘HELP!! CALL AMBULANCE 999 AND GET DEA!!!!!’ and ensure some other person does so. Lend him your bananaphone so that he can definitely get through.

Check the airway. If it is obstructed, push the object deeper down the throat. This will make it easier for the object to reach the stomach and get digested. Also, push your grenade down together with the obstruction. If not obstructed, stick the grenade down the throat. NOTE: Please check that the grenade has a pin on before proceeding with this step. Do not remove the pin unless I instruct you to do so.

Check for breathing. If breathing is absent, fart into the casualty’s mouth to induce coughing. Remove your pants before proceeding and for maximum effect. For over 9000% effectiveness, allow your faeces to enter the mouth as well. If breathing is present, carry on with the same procedure just in case. Pinch the nose throughout this entire step.

Check for blood circulation by sticking a syringe into the casualty’s chest. It does not matter where, as long as the needle penetrates into the heart. If blood starts filling up in the syringe, there is circulation. Pull out the syringe. If there is no circulation, lock your fingers together, lock your elbows, and starting pushing the syringe into the chest with your full body weight. This will force the heart to start pumping again.

When there is blood circulation, check for breathing again. After the two signs are there, sit on the pavement and drink your cola. Remember to share it with the casualty!

Ah, the DEA is here. The best way to use the DEA is to lock the DEA and casualty up in a secure room, preferably one with steel walls, floor, ceiling, door, and no window. No light should enter the room and the room should be airtight. Leave them there for 24 hours. No candlelight or wine! NOTE: The DEA works best with a few lions to accompany it.

After 24 hours, check the room again. It should feel terrible as there is no oxygen and all the oxygen will be gushing in. The casualty should be well and awake. If not, throw the person into a pit, bash his head with a tombstone and hope that the tombstone will wake him up. If not, write his name on the tombstone (check his wallet for his ID), pull out the pin from the grenade and bury him. (HOT TIP: Take away all the contents of the casualty’s wallet for safekeeping!) Then stick the tombstone on top of where the casualty is. Spend a maximum of 110 minutes on this. The magical spirits of the earth will heal him.

Quickly drive your sports car away at 9001 km/h. Visit the person two years later and dig him up. He will be perfectly fine and full of energy, skill, and magical power. Be sure to ask him to repay you by sitting next to your bed every night to tell you bedtime stories!


maranda.
who is too free and woefully unprepared for the upcoming tests

7:22 PM ·